Holistic and Somatic Therapy in Berkeley
Many of us have internalized unhealthy beliefs about boundary-setting. We're taught that there should be no boundaries between us and the person we love; that boundaries equal keeping secrets. Or, we're taught that saying "no" to someone in need is selfish and cruel.
In reality, setting limits and saying "no" protects the most important relationship in your life: the one you have with yourself.
But as important as boundary-setting is, we understand why it can be difficult, especially if you have learned to make yourself small to avoid being an inconvenience to others. Here are four simple actions you can take to strengthen your personal boundaries:
1️⃣ Name your boundaries. Without identifying your limits, you cannot uphold them, nor can you expect anyone else to do the same. If speaking your boundaries is hard for you, you might start by writing them down in a private journal or note on your phone.
2️⃣ Practice using I-statements. The difference between being assertive and being aggressive is keeping your boundary-setting focused on yourself and your feelings. For example, instead of saying "you make me mad when you do X," you could say, "I feel angry when X happens."
3️⃣ Learn to say no. For a two-letter word, "no" is one of the most challenging phrases in the English language. It's normal to worry that you're letting someone down by saying no, but remember: when you say yes to everything and become overwhelmed, you can't be there for others the way you want to be.
4️⃣ Listen to your gut. Our bodies send us signals in the form of sensations that cue us into how we are feeling in the moment. Listen to those instincts. Unpleasant physical sensations are often the first sign that our boundaries are being violated. By ignoring those feelings, we're essentially saying that we're okay with others disregarding our boundaries.
Which of these boundary-setting techniques will you use this week? Let us know in the comments below 👇🏾
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